We’ve been living on Maui for a little over 13 months now, and as much as I write about the island, including for this blog and my day job blogging for other companies, I feel like I have a pretty good handle on the best of Maui, from sandwiches to naked people to make-out spots.
So let me share.
Best of Maui: The Best Place To…
Purchase a Ballin’ Sandwich: 808 Deli
Because sandwiches are an important food group and are relatively easy to eat whilst sitting in sand. Also all of their sandwiches are $8 or less, which is like $4 in the rest of the United States.
Enjoy a Solid Cocktail: Capische or Monkeypod
For those of you who dig a good cocktail, meaning one whose ingredients did not come from a fruit-fly ridden plastic bottle and questionably expired can of fake fruit juice, head here for happy hour and watch the sunset.
Stop Sweating: Kula or Wai’anapanapa Caves
It’s eternal summer in Hawaii. We know that. And sometimes, however briefly, we’d like to pause our incessant sweat glands. Go to the Upcountry town of Kula to enjoy cool breezes of wonder or take a dip in the freezing freshwater caves of Hana.
Nearly Die Slash Enjoy a Perfect Beach Day: Big Beach
Depending on the size of the shore break that day, as well as your comfort level in the ocean, this is either the worst beach or best beach to live out your ultimate beach fantasy in tropical heaven. Also it’s a top contender for seeing ass cracks and nipples that were never meant to be seen, compliments of aforementioned shore break.
Watch Naked People Play with Fire & Drums: Little Beach
If it’s really ass cracks and nipples you’re after, you’re in luck! Hop over the hill from Big Beach and enjoy many nude humans in all their leathery glory. We were here yesterday and saw a very drunk girl catch herself on fire, so it’s also apparently the best place on Maui to do that.
Sip Coffee made by an Attractive Person with Dreadlocks: Paia Bay Coffee
This cozy outdoor coffee shop serves up yummy breakfast sandwiches, a bangin’ drink called the Dirty Chai and lots of friendly customers with accents and pants made of linen. You can also sometimes enjoy coffee with an attractive person with dreadlocks. And shirts made of awesome.
Eat Pie with an Ocean View: Auntie Lorraine’s in Kahakuloa
DUDE. Auntie Lorraine has a doctorate in Pie Skills. She has the sweetest little property on Maui and sells banana bread, shave ice and pie out of her garage. Grab a seat in her beautiful backyard and enjoy the moment. And the pie. It’s all magical.
Have a Holy Shit Moment: Whale Watching in the Ocean
Whales are insanely badass. That is a fact. There are tons of them in Hawaii between December and April every year, so take a boat tour or paddle out in a kayak and get high on holy shit levels of mother nature.
Die a Horrible Death of Stupidity: Nakalele Blowhole
You know what’s inside a blowhole, besides swirling, crashing waves of terror? Death. Stupid, horrible, good for nothin’ deathly death. Don’t look inside a blowhole. Watch it from afar, like baseball and the drunk person at the far end of the bar.
Discover the General Time Frame for when Jesus is Coming: Lahaina
Actually this is in reference to The Eagles song The Last Resort in which they mention the town of Lahaina and how the missionaries came and took over, but yeah. Keep an eye out for Jesus.
Make Out Under the Stars: Everywhere
Literally everywhere.
See, I done told y’all. When it comes to the best of Maui, Travelin’ Fools knows best.
