First off, let me begin by saying that I have never really dreamt of learning how to be a Maui mermaid. I understand that that doesn’t make me a good candidate for mermaiding, but it’s true. Mermaids love the ocean, and don’t get me wrong, I absolutely love the ocean – I just prefer to be on the surface of it… floating… with a margarita.

Despite not knowing how to ride a bicycle (okay, I can ride one in a straight line, but I’ve never actually gone out and ridden one by myself without friends or boyfriend running alongside me or cheering me on from a porch whilst drinking beer, so does that even count?), I do know how to swim and hold my own in the ocean. In fact, besides being bitch-slapped in the face by a few waves over the last couple of years, I have yet to be destroyed by a wave. If you’ve been to Maui’s Big Beach (or anywhere in the world with large waves/shorebreak) and seen the daily occurrence of cringe-worthy ocean failure by unaware and unsuspecting tourists, you know what I mean.

As I’ve mentioned before, I tread water and float like a boss, and I have never gotten seasick in my life. I’ve discussed this with another Maui mermaid homie, Angel, but think I’d make a way better pirate than a mermaid, and honestly, that sounds way more appealing. Leathery skin, dreadlocks, treasure map tattoos, traveling the world and stealing things?! It’s a pirate’s life for me, y’all.

So where the hell was I?

Ahh yes, mermaiding.

How to Be a Maui Mermaid

If you, unlike me, envision yourself as a beautiful, graceful, sexy-gilled mermaid goddess that lives beneath the sea, there is only one way to make that dream come true on Maui (minus the beneath the sea part, but with a lot more champagne) and that’s to become a mermaid in Maui’s annual World Whale Day parade. Enter Shaka Doug & the Double Bubble Mermaids.

See the complete album of Whale Day 2015 photos on Peter’s website, Two Tank Photo.

For the second year in a row, it was a glittery, hilarious, sticky, hot mess, awesome occasion. Basically you arrive at the parade site early as balls, immediately begin drinking various forms of adult beverages – champagne, vodka-soaked cherries (you’re welcome), and something mysteriously known as jungle juice – and douse yourself in things that a mermaid would totally wear if she could, including a rainbow of never-ending glitter, leis, hair flowers, stickers, gaudy jewelry and red lipstick.

Then you simply strap on (there’s got to be a better phrase for that) a mermaid tail of beautifully designed paper plates, throw candy at children, blow bubbles, yell things about whales being awesome, wave at strangers and look super freakin’ fly.

Once again, big mahalos to boyfriend Peter Rimkus for skateboarding alongside us to capture the gloriousness of the day. You’re the best real life merman a fake mermaid could ask for.

Oh, and we won Best Overall Float from the Pacific Whale Foundation. I mean… c’mon… duh.

If you want to know how to be a Maui mermaid, holler at Shaka Doug, who makes it an awesome experience year after year. Mahalo to all the lovely mermaids for reminding Maui that it’s okay to party in the morning time.